what shall i do,
to save, save your blackened cry
what shall i do,
to catch, catch your falling heart

hope, faith, love.

'_8:57 pm*_ -September 24, 2008;

she stays alone_*

i swear the rivers will strangle me, the clouds will suffocate me and every rain drop will corrode my skin bit my bit.

that's revenge, my dear. sweet revenge for the selfish nature of grumpy cherie.

and when she falls and no one is there to pick her up, she thinks the world hates her, the world owes her sympathy. she demands to be queen.

and that is what she will not get.

DUDEE (ithink)

'_9:08 pm*_ -September 15, 2008;

Us_*

SO WHAT IF I PASSED MY PAPER 2 for MATH. it doesnt MEAN ANYTHING.

'_12:47 am*_ -September 14, 2008;

songs of soloman_*

"My lover is radiant and ruddy,
outstanding among ten thousand.

His head is purest gold;
his hair is wavy
and black as a raven.

His eyes are like doves
by the water streams,
washed in milk,
mounted like jewels.

His cheeks are like beds of spice
yielding perfume.
His lips are like lilies
dripping with myrrh.

His arms are rods of gold
set with chrysolite.
His body is like polished ivory
decorated with sapphires.

His legs are pillars of marble
set on bases of pure gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
choice as its cedars.

His mouth is sweetness itself;
he is altogether lovely.
This is my lover, this my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem."

'_9:55 pm*_ -September 09, 2008;

hope my rating wont drop tmr. points ticked anyway._*

World of Warcraft Subscription Successfully Cancelled

wow that took a huge step to click the button. im terribly upset now. i cant play wow.

BUT THEN...

Your account will remain accessible for play until October 9, 2008 4:59:16 AM

RAH THAT MEANS I CAN STILL PLAY.

gg to prelims. i horribly screwed it up and im sure my parents know why. at least i think i didnt screw up much of it. physics is a confirm gg cause i've been channeling all my resources to math, leading to a inefficient allocation of resources.

speaking of which, i probably messed up my econs essay/casestudy. i kept thinking AS = C I G X-M. so when they said expansionary fiscal worsens inflation i was like HUH?! oh later i realised it was AD = C I G X-M. rah! hope i didnt screw up as much for econs.

i'm falling sick again. headache, body ache, sorethroat, flu, you name it. well i swear it's not stress. it's the lack of sleep from playing too much wow. that, friends, is entirely my fault so don't show any sympathy. i don't deserve it for playing too much :P

well tmr will be a TERRIBLE day. can you imagine doing 2 hours of PHYSICS. and then 3 hours of MATH. your brain cells will instantly die. it wouldn't be too bad if they had geog or econs with math or physics. no point rambling, nothing's going to change. i will just buff up and prepare 5 sets of wound and crippling poison for 5 hours of arena. WHERE IS MY DEAR PRIEST. I NEED FORT PRAYER OF SPIRIT SHAHDOW PROTECTION. actually, i just need you.

'_11:34 pm*_ -August 28, 2008;

i need a F5 button on me somewhere_*

it's working. or at least i think it is. soon enough you'll give up and soon enough i'll be able to climb over the fence.

it's a good sign, yes it is. when i let my feelings flow i was told to control. now i cant go back and control. everything i feel that whatever happens now no longer is genuine, and that whatever happens now is planned and controlled. the truth is planned out, it is what i make it out to be. it is no longer what it used to be. i no longer believe in the truth. there is no truth.

after a pure cotton shirt is washed in the machine time and time again, it gets dry, tough and no longer soft. it's lost it's originality, it's pureness, truth. it has all been washed away.

i used to let my mind run free but now i control it so tight i no longer believe in anything anyone says. i'm scared to trust, to listen, to believe.

don't bother about me anymore. i've screwed up my life and it's hard to turn back. there is love, but never the way it used to be for me. the cherie died the same day it ended.

'_9:35 pm*_ -August 27, 2008;

screw you_*

everything's screwing up. i wish i could find another word to replace the word. because just right about now i would be swearing at everything life is throwing at me.

exams are screwing up so badly i don't bother revising because i know im screwed. parents are being anal as usual, nothing to blame them for.

i'm growing to be a more evil person and it horrifies me. maybe at one point it wouldnt horrify me anymore. i don't feel as much as before even though now and then i still can't help but care so much.

i finally found out what i'm actually worth. so much for being the truest, bestest, closest friend. i'm not believing what i want to. i'm believing what's happening that i'm not worth anything in your busy times. honestly, how true is that you wanted to find me. that just a scan in the canteen would justify it. i'm hoping for JC life to end sooner, soon please. i don't want to see any of your faces anymore. none of you bother or care. none.

my dad wants me to uninstall wow. i dont want to because it's the only place i can escape to. away from here, away from exams friends and problems. if i died there all i needed was to run back to my corpse and pay durability fine, then all would progress as normal. if one friend didnt work out, there were so many more on /2. if one party didnt work out there would be more on /lfg. all i needed to care for was to do my job, keeping dps up, los/kick polys cyclones, blind heals, watch energy gains and combo points, down the guy. maybe it's good that wow's gone. i shouldn't be living in this fairytale anyway. i can't escape from life.

and there aren't many people to help make it better. at least some stay by me. some i thought would ended up running and abandoning me. some, i just need one. i just need him.

it's sad how easily i smile and be happy. because the next thing that happens in downslope. i just get sad. ugh whatever, i envy those people with cold hearts.

i just got reminded of how fragile life is and how precious it is. then again when i saw her in the coffin, i wouldnt mind exchanging place with her.

my phone's down so if any of you message meplease leave your name. ugh wth it's not like anyone messages me. only some foolish people.

ugh, i'm only 18 and i cant wait to go already.

'_1:08 am*_ -August 26, 2008;

zomgs fwenzz!_*

i just realised i don't have many personal friends. most of my friends are catagorised into school, church, others, etc.

school friends just remain school friends, talking mainly about school stuff and well, i only see them in school. it's quite sad actually cause some friends in school hang out alot with each other outside school. JC's supposedly the time to make lifelong friend or something. even my mg friends are drifting away. sigh, perhaps it's me or something. maybe i don't make the effort to keep my friends.

church friends just remain as church friends. i see them in church, cell and that's about it. yea i guess to some extent they ask about my life but i guess it's rather base on obligations rather then genuine concern. don't think im close to anyone in church cept for 1 person. it's quite sad actually to see all them hang out at the zoo or other people's houses all the time and well, i guess i'm just jealous im not in the gang or something.

i used to be jealous when i was younger, about how my friends would talk non-stop about their church. i always wanted a community to live in and to contribute to. it just seems that the one i'm with now isnt much like a community to me. i just talk to them during sunday's and that's about it. even then i just stick to those my age and i don't really talk to the older ones. maybe i should go find another church to go to.

i don't know. i guess i do have some really close friends but they're all so distant now. we do meet up once in a while but rarely talk to each other. i spend my days only with two closest people. i just want some friends to hang out with after school, sit with for recess. i mean i know alot of people but they're all just superficial. just a hi-bye kinda thing.

then i got my lan friends which... well basically for lan. we don't share much about our own lives and just meet up here and then to lan/movie. so.. that's about it.

i guess the closet friends call me here and then. i'm really thankful for them and sort of shouldnt ask for more. it's not like anyone can be my friend kinda thing cause well, i just don't click with some people.

ah, i'm just really thankful for that special someone. just hope i don't lose it like previously. it hurts.

'_11:40 pm*_ -August 24, 2008;

just in a few more moments, you'll see me_*

goodbye to you my dear. i didnt get a chance to see you one last time before you left. hope you'll do fine there and hope to see you soon.

you're much missed and loved.

/cry

'_12:45 pm*_ -August 18, 2008;

sniffing 1.6k getting there._*

i'm glad now despite what's happening. i'm glad that i found you or you found me. i'm glad that life doesn't have to suck so much anymore

on the other hand... im down with a fever and cold. apparently the doctor said i mug too much and my immune system dropped or something. bleah. 1 week left to prelims.

physics flunked is definite

i just want to pass math.

this blog needs a new happier song (:

okay cherie. this is when you got to stop everything else youre doing and START MUGGING. after 3 months you can go try get all of s4, maybe find a good raiding guild who'll accept me. then i want to 2s with someone but apparently im... replaced ): haha oh well. 3s are doing fine. omg talking about this makes me excited but HEY wth. NO MORE OUT THE DOOR. i should rationalise this. with this limited time i have, i can either study for As or play wow. After As, i cant study for As anymore but i can STILL play wow. considering opportunity costs, i'd better mug for As and "quit" wow. gah, ashria will be so lonely. well actually it doesn't matter.. no one wants ashria /cry

A LEVELS HERE I COME. YOU BETER BE PREPARED FOR ME. DUELIST CHERIE COMING RIGHT BACK AT YOU. (Alevels = s4, 4As = Gladiator title, Mugging = arenaing)

'_1:10 am*_ -August 17, 2008;

smile (:_*

haha, this is nothing. it's just a papercut. this is nothing compared to what i've been through. so i'm thankful it wasnt worse.

there's nothing to worry about.

'_9:23 pm*_ -August 16, 2008;

blinded_*

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

'_1:43 am*_ -August 16, 2008;

dreadful bowl of smiles_*

Things now have changed pretty much for me. I’m still fumbling in this mess, trying somehow to stand back up on my feet. Thankfully there’s a pair of hands offered to me. I’m holding on and I won’t let go, not at least till he doesn’t me to anymore. I’m grabbing onto to his, so I’m sorry to you for leaving yours cold.

I’ve no idea why I exercise so much but still fall ill so easily. Maybe I’m not drinking enough water or something. Just got a bad cold and slight fever with body aches.
Spend the hours of light doing math prelim papers and neglecting all other subjects, the nights belong to him and this keeps me going through the weeks.

So i guess where it ends is where it all begins.

Her


'_2:27 pm*_ -August 11, 2008;

done_*

that's all folks

'_10:23 pm*_ -August 08, 2008;

Most_*

i won't give any less. i'll give my full like it has always been. in the end, it's up to you to measure how much it is worth to you.

we're ready_*

"Okay, so you feel like you're in love... or at least it seems like you are. After all, you're in a committed relationship. But how deep do your feelings really go? And what are the odds your pairing will stand the test of time?

Believe it or not, the answer to both of those questions isn't up to fate or science or any other external factor. It's up to you - and your partner of course!

What is an ideal relationship?
First things first: before assessing your relationship in these terms, it's important to acknowledge that ideal does not mean perfect… because perfect doesn't exist! All of us have flaws, which means that no one is going to check off every single item on any of our checklists - at least not in the ways we'd initially expect. However, an ideal relationship (read: one that's right for you) is possible. And you shouldn't settle for anything less!

In a truly healthy relationship, both partners feel like they're part of one team, even though they have individual identities. As they go about their days, separate or together, they know they can count on each other, confide in each other and connect with each other - emotionally and physically. They cheer each other on to their biggest wins and console each other when a loss occurs. They get to know each other's soft spots and tolerate occasional hard headedness. Above all else, partners in successful relationships feel connected and they know that fostering their connection (and strengthening it) is not as simple as just signing up for the game. It requires attention - and sometimes adjustment. "

'_9:46 pm*_ -August 04, 2008;

thank you_*

i'm free

'_11:56 pm*_ -August 03, 2008;

i was never the one but it doesn't matter_*

even though
it has been her all along
never really me
and that your eyes were always on her

i no longer have to worry
or feel sad
or get jealous
i no longer have to be
imprisoned by you and her

my new golden robes fit
and i never want to leave it
i promise to cherish it
gently hand wash it, dry it in the shade
love it

i know it'll love me back too.

legendary item soulbound_*

Twenty-five all of these mixed emotions
Tangled up in pure confusion
It's hard to let go of the past,
But it seems easier as time is movin
Well, you said he makes you laugh
And he makes you happy
He sees you smilin back
It is everlasting

So, he's tailor made for you
With stunning golden hues
And one sweet tone to soothe,
Your persistent beating heart
It's just a start
And I have seen you everyday
You've never been like this before
It's tailor made

'_6:58 pm*_ -July 28, 2008;

lamb chop waiting_*

Don't feel sad or anything, this is precisely the reason why you went away. So be glad everytime you see them because you're not suppose to hurt anymore. You're not suppose to hurt. Isn't this what you wanted for him?

She was never really anything important. Just always there but never really there. She tried her best to make him smile but he wouldn't. There was simply nothing she could do but leave and hope he finds someone else to make him happy. Someone to make him smile on the inside.

Look over the river! There lies daisies and the setting sun. You should rest now, hope to find new love.

You won't miss me. You have a high hit rating and I, a low dodge rating.


'_8:52 pm*_ -July 21, 2008;

does it last._*

Everyone said they looked like a perfect pair, that they were meant for each other. It's just too bad things didn't work out, things didn't turn out to be as perfect as they would be. She was just so right for him, everyone could tell. They looked really happy together, but not anymore.

She stood on the stage, and he sat in the crowd. His eyes were on her, sensitive to her every movement. Her hair was probably the most beautiful feature to him. Maybe one day she'll say yes. Maybe one day they would smile happily together like they used to.

A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita's all I need
A little bit of Tina's what I see
A little bit of Sandra in the sun
A little bit of Mary all night long
A little bit of Jessica here I am
A little bit of you makes me your man

______

i wore jeans size fourty,
and vests so heavy;
we sat by with
singing frowns and clenched brows,
yesterday, bursting veins and raining smiles,
i believe really?

gawd i wish i took piano lessons_*

i'm in love with the piano. shit.

'_7:55 pm*_ -July 17, 2008;

stopping potential on high_*

It's starting to get a little out of hand. Someone lend me yours?  

I'm sorry if i caused anyone misery, unhappiness or any frustration. You can put the blame of it if it accounts for anything productive. 

I feel like a swirly lollipop now but I could probably just get on fine alone. 

What's the point of caring if the other person doesn't know. Let her know. 

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

__

"There may be quite a few difficult decisions for you to have to consider at this time. Much of your confusion may be due to the number of intriguing opportunities that you feel are currently available to you. Just remember to take your time and don't allow yourself to be rushed into any decisions. And try to remember to listen to your own intuition at this time.

Things could be getting a little intense with a partner or mate today, and you could end up having to face a few serious issues when it comes to your most important relationships right now. Just realize that you’re bound to have to make up your mind about a few things before long"

Not that I want to believe in this but just for some thought.

new shirts?_*

This is going to be a very erratic, random, blah post because i totally don't know what to write about. My mind's this washing machine with thoughts all tangled up, wet and messy. 

I'm.. very unsure of what the future holds now. i mean, i guess it is so with everyone else. Things used to be normal, stable but there have been recent changes and i'm getting pretty scared. I just want something stable, secure.. something that won't falter through times. GAH, I REALLY HATE times of change but change is the only constant ): Prelims are coming in 5 weeks then A LEVELS. 

if anyone wants to know, my mid years results are USSEC. nothing fantastic. in fact, it's disgusting. okay if i can get D for chinese, i HAVE to get higher for the rest. my chinese CANNOT own the other subjects. NO WAY. 

Ah crap, im in this terrible mess now. The more i think the more tangled up i get. Gah, life just has to beat the life out of me. I'm hanging on somehow.

Left, Right, Left, Right,
Up, Down, Up, Down;
floating Flocks, darken Dawns
I think I'll stay put, crippled.

and they said love would save us_*

And you
You will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets

Are you still going to just sit there and wait? Don't you see the people around you pairing up and moving on with their lives? Do you honestly want to be alone, hating the world for your miseries? When will you ever wake up, take up the courage to start making decisions for yourself. Don't blame others around you. If you want things to go your way, you have to speak up. I'm not a mind-reader. There ain't much time left, maybe none already.


'_9:41 pm*_ -July 08, 2008;

PTM gg_*

"Don't compare with those who did worse than you. Instead, compare with those who do better than you." It can be viewed positively or well, negatively. Positive - there's always a driving force to do better. Negative - you'll never be the best, you'll never achieve just enough, you then of course, can never be satisfied with whatever good or poor results.

'_9:12 pm*_ -July 02, 2008;

meaning in no meaning_*

i finally found the meaning of birthdays - they have no meaning and no significance.

Mr Lonely_*

just so happen that i left my itunes on random. and just so happen that all the songs played were emo-breakup-/wrist songs. goes well with the mood i guess.

'_11:20 pm*_ -June 25, 2008;

at least, there was once upon a time_*

If you can have regrets, so can I. You'll never let go of it, you know that full well. Don't lie to me. I'll never be the one, so don't keep my hopes up. It's all different now, the scent, the smile. I should be on my way now, I'm already late. I'll be off now. 

And when you get on that plane, you know it's really over. Stop holding on if you're not going to do anything. 

And how am I supposed to tell you how I feel? 
I need oxygen

Oh baby, if I was your lady
I would make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, I will be your lady
I am going crazy for you

I have a phobia - of love.

Why does everything have to be so complicated.

fake smiles and empty words_*

it's pretty much undeniable. it's just one of those things i cannot change. i'd try my best not to think about it, to give myself every other reason just to justify. perhaps even make myself do something else just so i could feel better, less guilty of such thoughts or feelings. perhaps this was all just another push factor for me to continue. i never knew such a repulsive force could exist. 

i was never really like this was i?

On this half lit day
With your crown beneath your wing
Every word just echoes
And the empty world sings

Where have you gone my feather light heart?
I never imagined I could leave.

In the glistening
Of the lost and open sky
Tiny piece of you sits
Simple wish waits for reply

Where have you gone my feather light heart?
You mustn't forget what love can see.

I'd say don't lie to me, then again, i might say lie to me if you must. Don't hope for anything. Slowly i see my days less worth living. Life used to be full of joy and love, but not anymore.

none of you_*

don't bother, don't think, don't expect.

harder than it really is.

2 fishes and 1 loaf of bread_*

I've had a songbird for the past few years. It had feathers soft like cotton and eyes that gaze gently at you. It was something always there but never a major thought. It'll overlook me as i went about my chores. In the hours of light, i would feed it from my hands and in the nights, i would think about it's charm. There's only one thing about it I don't understand, that is it doesn't sing. 

I could tell quite certainly it loved me much. But it chose to remain quiet, to lay low, to not let me know. Why won't my songbird sing? It's been years since i felt you warmth and joy. 

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

The one thing I need to master is to let go and move on. 

And then, there's you - pink dragonfly. Quick to stay still on a arched leaf while you move your beady eyes around, scanning through thoughts and hints. In the blink of an eye, you're gone. Busy whizzing around me as if I was a small innocent girl. You left behind your scent dear one, you left behind joy.

I would if i could. But it's simply too complicated for me alone to handle or even for me to trust anyone to confide in. I love my quilt very much and I don't wish to give it away. I don't want to let go but logic tells me to. Even if I held on, there's no commitment, no security. There's nothing for me to hold on to except you.

Learning to let go is terribly hard. Perhaps I don't need my songbird anymore since it doesn't sing anyway.

Don't come flying back to me.

hurry, i can't hold for longer_*

can you please faster come

'_1:05 pm*_ -May 24, 2008;

strong in Him_*

God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference


'_11:07 pm*_ -May 20, 2008;

im not it but that's okay_*

is it possible to love two people whole heartedly at once?

there can only be one.

(laptop crashed, /afk)

'_10:11 pm*_ -May 15, 2008;

what luck_*

Today was probably the worst day of the week or month of maybe year. Too many bad things happened, too much for the normal comfort level. Let's start from the morning.

1. quarreled (okay fine that's normal)
2. got blamed for something that's not my fault
3. met tanjs and was accused of skipping math lesson on tuesday, was scheduled for detention (i didnt, it was someone else)
4. meeting after pe (not that bad it's what happened after this)
5. rushed off halfway because i had tuition
6. went to council room to take my bag, room censor thing was locked. couldnt jam open the window. luckily daryl came.
7. on my way out realised i forgot my jacket which had my ezlink card and home gate key inside
8. called someone for coins, no answer (in the state of panic i didnt think of changing for coins)
9. decided to borrow key to unlock class. got scolded by aunty for always borrowing key (wth, it's my first time)
10. ran to class and wow, the gate on the staircase on the way to class was locked. i mean it's NEVER locked. WHY TODAY? and exactly THAT time? luckily fiona was on the other side and she helped me.
11. ran back to office to return key, got scolded again by aunty
12. late for tuition
13. forgot to bring home physics notes to study for SPA (the most insane section of SPA)

wow the list ends at no. 13. how ominous.

okay fine, i should at least be happy that i did manage to somehow get out of some the unusual situations. still, i hope the day ends good or something.

midyears next thurs. oh joy.

it's starting to annoy a little. you resemble the b2 people whom i detest.

it's weird, i smell smoke at random times, like 3-5 times a day in school and at home. think there's something wrong with my nose or something. i get raped by mosquitoes every night.

screw it_*

i have a low self esteem. please dont't make it any worse. 

seriously damn demoralized and feeling like crap. i just wished someone could come tell me something that'd make me feel better. then again, everyone's got their own problems why would they care about mine. 

i've started to lose hope on trying to eat more or spend any effort trying to gain weight.. it just seems so worthless and futile. people are still coming to me and accusing me of trying to be skinny. it just sucks to try your best and then someone comes along to tell you otherwise. it's like you studied so hard for your test, you failed and the teacher accuses you of being lazy and that you didnt put in any effort. You could try to persevere on for a while more with the mentality, "i'll prove her wrong but in the end", you just lose steam. Why would you believe in yourself when others around you dont? it's not that i don't have a fighting spirit. even spirits are driven by some sort of goal or something else to continue. my spirit just died out. 

all i hear is why i'm so fragile, why i get cold so easily why i'm so skinny why I DONT WANT TO EAT MORE why this why that. i'm just damn sick of all these comments and fine since i'm like that i'll just be like that. just too bad i get hurt so easily. don't like it? then go away. 

i don't hear other people tell me what i'm good at or what i should be happy about myself. all i hear are just negative things so naturally i'll just a pessimist. yeah you could argue that ultimately my life is in my hands and not in others. See, the world doesn't just involve me and me alone. It involves a whole lot of other people and me, being a normal social being, am influenced by others. Please don't say that girls are weak, we are just social beings like normal human beings, maybe just a little more social. 

if only people encouraged, cared and listened more, suicide rates would decrease.

i've given up hope.

"i dunno"^n_*

haha don't think im always emo and stuff. it just so happen that when im upset i blog so it seems like im perpetually unhappy. DONT GET THE WRONG IDEA OKAY? because cherie can get really happy too (: just that i dont usually blog at my highest moments. (like now)

then again, i get upset quite fast.

i got raped by mosquitoes last night.  I HATE YOU INSECTS. !! i only hate cockroaches when they fly.

2 weeks to midyears.

stop it, stop it, stop it_*

This past week has been a total mess. I don't know what's real anymore. Stop doing this to me. Stop tormenting me.

I can try to appear all strong, try my best to be unbeatable but deep down, I can be most fragile thing you've ever seen. Please don't do this to me.

Make this all go away.

safey net that's right_*

i'm convinced more than ever that no one really cares. yea you could say im being immature and emo but seriously, i turned off my phone for the whole day and when i turned it back on, there was only one single message. i'm not going to bother going on msn anymore or turning my phone. i might as well just leave my phone at home. i'm certain of who really cares now. 

i'm sorry for getting pissed at you today but i seriously didnt think i was in the wrong. you lacked communication skills and fail to realise the light heartedness of the conversation. i'm not going to sit there and let you abuse me with your words. i wished you could think more before you talk. seriously, think before you say anything because once it comes out, you cant take it back. 

busy, lack of time and a multitude of things to do. we can go around achieving all that we have to, but at what expense? Are relationships not more important that all the work that we have to do? That's the problem with workaholics, they work so much well, just forgo everything else that's pleasant. Then they come to blame the people around them for causing their misery. If they only took time to actually appreciate the people around them, and even bother to maintain a good relationships, then maybe life wouldn't suck so bad. Oh of course, they're workaholics, they don't have time to waste.

I'm beginning to hate my life and the people around me. I know for sure who really cares because they stick by me when i'm up and when i'm down. Even when they're equally busy, they even bother to send a sms asking how i am. These are the friends I should really hold on to. These are the people who actually make me feel wanted. These are the people my world revolves around.

I'm not going to sit around and let myself be taken for granted. I'm convinced my other friends care for me more than you.

I can stand on my own two feet. If you don't appreciate what i do for you, then forget it. I was just being silly to actually offer my time. I couldn't blame you, i did it on my own accord. And it sucks to feel used and taken for granted and oh, i'm to blame. I learnt alot from you or rather learning. Just don't care and don't bother.

If you can't even love yourself, don't bother loving others. Same goes to me.

stop it already_*

My love is strong
But not strong enough
I'll give you all I have, it wouldn't matter that much
So instead of promises
I'll just be honest
'Cause I won't always be around
And I know my love could let you down...
So

Wish that I could read your mind
Understand what you hide in your heart
Then maybe, baby, I could help you see how loved you are

____________________________________

molding inside the washing machine.

low_*

pull, grab, squeeze, frustration. small.

in the end_*

i can't expect anything and i shouldn't be. it's hard i know but i will keep reminding myself. it gets tiring but i guess i have to. just tell myself, no cherie no, it's okay, youre not hurting, be happy because that is what other wants you to be. just try to be happy for the sake of others, so they dont have to worry or what. 

reminders, that's what i need. i need them all day, all the time, every second. there's so much to remind myself of, and of course particularly of a certain topic/subject. i dont know how long i can keep this up but so far so good. so far, it's been working though it's rather tiring. then again, when i stop reminding myself, i get upset.

i think im starting to brainwash myself instead of reminding myself. i'm just manipulating my own feelings, thoughts just so i wont get upset so easily over seemingly stupid things. actually these things mean alot to me but just that, i've brainwashed myself to thinking well they're just stupid things that arent worth caring about.

and soon, there isnt much to care about.

all the love around is fake, because i made it fake.
no one to blame, just me.

57|2355_*

it's seriously very frustrating and annoying when people accuse me of "trying to be skinny". i'd like to clarify things. firstly, i'm not happy im skinny. secondly, i am NOT forcing myself not to eat or vomit out food or whatsoever. thirdly, i eat and exercise regularly..

on a side note, i eat more than three meals a day. There's breakfast, recess, lunch, dinner and of course canteen breaks during school hours. i'm trying my best to eat as much an possible and try to get back some meat/fats/muscle. I AM TRYING MY BEST ALREADY SO STOP ACCUSING ME OF TRYING TO BE SKINNY BECAUSE IM NOT HAPPY THE WAY I AM NOW. the more you accuse me, the more stress i become and the skinner i am. i swear that's true (that stress is the cause).

if you want to help, dont stress me out.

thankyouverymuch

(p.s. if anyone could give me advice on how to put on more weight, please tell me. i'd even drink protein shakes)

maybe i still do_*

And love is blind and that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips and held your hand
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

And as you move on, remember me
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile

I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the father of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts but now we're fine
And I loved you, I swear that's true

we'll grow up one day_*

it's just terrible to see how nicely your flower starts to grow and at the end of two years, you see it wither away. you wonder why, what did you do wrong, or was it the sun's fault or anything else. Why did something so beautiful had to die? Everything withers away eventually anyway, just a matter of time. 

I'm frustrated at how the world is now. I'm annoyed at how life induces new situations just to make life suck even more. How two people who loved each other had to end up this way. How they have to force themselves to make decisions, undeniably hurtful ones, and aggravate the situation. Maybe 50 years down the road i'll look back at our lives and go "silly me". I'm just annoyed when someone wants something, it's possible to to get it but no, no, life has to come and change the situation so you make yourself not want it, you force yourself that you cant or you shouldn't. And there is the pain and hurt that goes along.

Sometimes the hardest thing and right thing are the same.

Life goes on. We all have to experience this sometime (but now when it's my As year?). At least im not losing my husband. haha.

I can stand on my own. I can. I must.

i'd really like to vanish now. wtb flash powder_*

some emo quotes from wow that me and an old friend came up with: 

i wish i was a rogue so i could vanish
i wish i was a rogue so nobody would see me. 
i wish i was a priest so i could fade away
i wish i was a mage so i could blink away
i wish i was a mage so i could teleport away
i wish i was a hunter so i could at least feign death
i wish i was a druid so i could change to a crow and fly away
i wish i was a warrior, just to appear strong
i wish i was a paladin so i could be invulnerable

we didnt know any for warlocks and shammys.

a fool for so long_*

my tears run down like razor blades
and I know I'm not the one to blame
its you
or is it me?
and all the words we never say
come out and now we're all ashamed
and there's no sense in playing games
when you've done all you can do

but now it's over
it's over
why is it over?
we had the chance to make it
now it's over
it's over

I'll lose myself in all these fights
I'll lost my sense or wrong and right
I cry, I cry
shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just want to crawl into my bed
and throw away the life I've led

 it's for real this time. really. and thanks for being the best friend i ever had. sorry to leave when you're in such a bad state but i really just cant.. anymore..  maybe we'll cross paths someday again. till then, bye.

i should have known what to do all along than to drag on, hope. what a fool i've been.

i wish i was an atomic bomb and dropped into hell_*

there isnt anyone who will accept me for who i am. doesn't matter anyway

i hope to find you faster because life's a fucking bitch and i need someone to help pull me through

_______

i want a keyboard so i can be happy when i learn to play new songs. it sucks to have to rip the videos to my ipod so i can practice in school. playing the piano and guitar makes me happy although im not musically inclined.

doesnt exist anymore_*

what are you creature,
                            let go.

love.

soon enough_*

they look so happy together

sorry_*

it's not that i don't appreciate your help, i really do. i know you want the best for me, you want me to be happy and not have any regrets. please understand this time is when you most probably feel rejected by me or what. look, i dont. i know you just want to help me, sort things out and help me make the best out of whatever life i have. 

i know the cliche stuff like "im already 18 just let me live my own life and make my own decisions." it's true to a certain extend but i still need you. please let me figure things out for myself. i accept your suggestions and whatever you say to me, i dont just ignore it you know. im already terribly vexed and confused. the last thing i want is another idea to grapple with. 

you dont want me to learn the hard way, waste the prime years of my life and then later regret. you want to be there for me when times are bad and stuff. i really understand. it's your obligation and what you want also. please understand that i am really growing up and that i do need to learn some things for myself. i am not rejecting you. i still want you by my side. 

i shall be frank. i just want my own space to think through stuff. i know already took alot of time but please let me be. im already very confused with alot of things and i dont want you to come make me even more confused. it's true to a certain extent that you cant understand me because you're not me. not saying that you dont understand me at all, after all im the closest to you. i appreciate your inputs and suggestions and i take them into consideration too.

thank you for being such a great

mum

and sorry.

while you still can_*

Sweet little words made for silence
Not talk
Young heart for love
Not heartache
Dark hair for catching the wind
Not to veil the sight of a cold world

Kiss while your lips are still red
While he's still silent
Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled
hold another hand while the hand's still without a tool
Drown into eyes while they're still blind
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn

First day of love never comes back
A passionate hour's never a wasted one
The violin, the poet's hand
Every thawing heart plays your theme with care

Kiss while your lips are still red
While he's still silent
Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled
hold another hand while the hand's still without a tool
Drown into eyes while they're still blind
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn

'_11:36 pm*_ -March 17, 2008;

my world ends soon_*

this hurts so fucking much it drives me insane. it gives me new courage i've never had before, courage to do unthinking acts. it doesn't just hurt emotionally, it hurts physically as well. i've lost my soul, my drive to live, smile or to be happy. words alone can't explain how much this fucking hurts. i don't know how i'm going to continue the days ahead. i don't think this change is for the better. i dont think any change is for the better. i don't see myself happier in the days to come. gg

why do i have to want someone stable. why do i have to want him. can anyone tell me how to change a want.

i want to be like a spoilt brat, demanding my way to get things that i want.

i'll just have to convince myself that you've changed and you're not the guy i used to like. you want to find more things now; explore and you wont settle for less. i don't know you anymore. you're not the innocent shy guy i used to like. you're different now.

fuck i dont want to lose you.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You're finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

biting my lips, telling myself i can do this.
fuck what's happening. im losing everything. i dont even care if i swear anymore. i dont know who i've become.

my tears would fill the oceans for you.

could someone with a big nice strong body car kindly please knock me on the road so i would forget everything. oh also please make sure you aim for my head, this is vital. this pain is too much to bear alone.

who the hell said it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

on my own_*

this feeling sucks.

wow just helps me pass the time easier.

pretty much.

short cut please_*

My days can never be perfect. I don't think anyone's' days can be perfect as well. It's funny how everything is hanging in the air now. It's funny how irrational I can be. Nah, it's impossible. I don't have the guts or the balls to do that. Nothing dramatic of that sort. I'm somewhat in a position between the layer of water and oil, neither here nor there. Just sucking life up as it goes along, accepting the normal emotional swings. I mean what else can I expect, life just goes on and it isn't going to get any better. I probably have one thing or two to celebrate about and hold on to. Then again, probably not, it might just go any moment. Nothing stays and I hate this phase of life.

I come to a conclusion that I hate change. I want something stable. I like security. I want something or someone I can depend on. Someone who will not scamper off into new excitements. Someone who won't leave me in the lurch and maybe come back later saying, "I still love and care for you". It's probably time I make a stand and decide something for myself. The most stable thing I can find is well, myself. It's probably best I stay alone. I can give myself all the stability I want.

I want to turn the clock faster. Then again, when I'm an adult knowing who's my life partner, I'd probably go, "If only I could turn back the clock and explore more. I could probably find a better guy and end up happier." Thing is, we are never satisfied with what we have. We keep searching for more, something else better. We'll never be contented, we'll never be happy. So much for stability.

As I've said, life goes on. Doesn't matter if I hurt anymore, I mean, it's life right? I got to live it.

Remedy? Fake everything. Fake the smiles, the jumps, the "I'm okay"s. Just fake it. It works.

Sometimes I wonder, why not take the short cut.

Cover up with make up in the mirror
Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you.

Do you feel like a man
When you push her around?
Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

I will be standing at the door, ready to welcome you home. I don't know when fate will take me away though.

deadend_*

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

the previous entry holds true.

revolution_*

You left me hanging from a thread
We once were from together
I lick my wounds but I can
Never see them getting better
Something’s got to change
Things cannot stay the same

You, oh, the adorable you make the sun shine so tenderly upon the wheat fields, embracing each stalk with your special touch . While the sparrows tease each other in the sweet spring air, you chuckle, leaving the daises dancing in rhythm to your drug laughter. 

Then the same you tears the picture apart, relentlessly ripping the fragile petals from the daises. The sparrows scatter into the darkness as jealous clouds gloom overhead and the ignorant dagger wind ravages the innocent wheat fields.

The cycle repeats.

coming soon_*

You and me 
We used to be together 
Everyday together always 
I really feel 
That I'm losing my best friend 
I can't believe
This could be the end 
It looks as though you're letting go 
And if it's real 
Well I don't want to know 

Don't speak 
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining 
Don't tell me cause it hurts

i told you so_*

curses, curses, curses
that's all i leave for you
hatred, hatred, hatred
that's all i gained from you

you wanted to know so badly
i told you no
why
this is why

i cant believe you even thought of this
why not, my mind runs wild like the wind
fine then
fine

i told you what you wanted to know
and it never turns out good
never
ever

once bitten twice shy

curses, curses, curses
that's all i leave for you
hatred, hatred, hatred
that's all i gained from you

toyed, as always_*

i'm not going to give a fuck anymore.

i promise, there will be no one there when you turn around.

soon.