i'm glad now despite what's happening. i'm glad that i found you or you found me. i'm glad that life doesn't have to suck so much anymore
on the other hand... im down with a fever and cold. apparently the doctor said i mug too much and my immune system dropped or something. bleah. 1 week left to prelims.
physics flunked is definite
i just want to pass math.
this blog needs a new happier song (:
okay cherie. this is when you got to stop everything else youre doing and START MUGGING. after 3 months you can go try get all of s4, maybe find a good raiding guild who'll accept me. then i want to 2s with someone but apparently im... replaced ): haha oh well. 3s are doing fine. omg talking about this makes me excited but HEY wth. NO MORE OUT THE DOOR. i should rationalise this. with this limited time i have, i can either study for As or play wow. After As, i cant study for As anymore but i can STILL play wow. considering opportunity costs, i'd better mug for As and "quit" wow. gah, ashria will be so lonely. well actually it doesn't matter.. no one wants ashria /cry
A LEVELS HERE I COME. YOU BETER BE PREPARED FOR ME. DUELIST CHERIE COMING RIGHT BACK AT YOU. (Alevels = s4, 4As = Gladiator title, Mugging = arenaing)
'_1:10 am*_ -August 17, 2008;
smile (:_*
haha, this is nothing. it's just a papercut. this is nothing compared to what i've been through. so i'm thankful it wasnt worse.
there's nothing to worry about.
'_9:23 pm*_ -August 16, 2008;
blinded_*
For we, we are not long here Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you Hope is coming for me Hope, He's coming
'_1:43 am*_ -August 16, 2008;
dreadful bowl of smiles_*
Things now have changed pretty much for me. I’m still fumbling in this mess, trying somehow to stand back up on my feet. Thankfully there’s a pair of hands offered to me. I’m holding on and I won’t let go, not at least till he doesn’t me to anymore. I’m grabbing onto to his, so I’m sorry to you for leaving yours cold.
I’ve no idea why I exercise so much but still fall ill so easily. Maybe I’m not drinking enough water or something. Just got a bad cold and slight fever with body aches. Spend the hours of light doing math prelim papers and neglecting all other subjects, the nights belong to him and this keeps me going through the weeks.
So i guess where it ends is where it all begins.
Her
'_2:27 pm*_ -August 11, 2008;
done_*
that's all folks
'_10:23 pm*_ -August 08, 2008;
Most_*
i won't give any less. i'll give my full like it has always been. in the end, it's up to you to measure how much it is worth to you.
Angel of mercy, how did you find me?
Where did you read my story?
Pulled from the papers, desperate and hardened
Seeking a momentary fix
Angel of mercy, how did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of mercy, how did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you
And I feel you
'_10:20 pm*_ -August 08, 2008;
we're ready_*
"Okay, so you feel like you're in love... or at least it seems like you are. After all, you're in a committed relationship. But how deep do your feelings really go? And what are the odds your pairing will stand the test of time?
Believe it or not, the answer to both of those questions isn't up to fate or science or any other external factor. It's up to you - and your partner of course!
What is an ideal relationship? First things first: before assessing your relationship in these terms, it's important to acknowledge that ideal does not mean perfect… because perfect doesn't exist! All of us have flaws, which means that no one is going to check off every single item on any of our checklists - at least not in the ways we'd initially expect. However, an ideal relationship (read: one that's right for you) is possible. And you shouldn't settle for anything less!
In a truly healthy relationship, both partners feel like they're part of one team, even though they have individual identities. As they go about their days, separate or together, they know they can count on each other, confide in each other and connect with each other - emotionally and physically. They cheer each other on to their biggest wins and console each other when a loss occurs. They get to know each other's soft spots and tolerate occasional hard headedness. Above all else, partners in successful relationships feel connected and they know that fostering their connection (and strengthening it) is not as simple as just signing up for the game. It requires attention - and sometimes adjustment. "
'_9:46 pm*_ -August 04, 2008;
thank you_*
i'm free
'_11:56 pm*_ -August 03, 2008;
i was never the one but it doesn't matter_*
even though it has been her all along never really me and that your eyes were always on her
i no longer have to worry or feel sad or get jealous i no longer have to be imprisoned by you and her
my new golden robes fit and i never want to leave it i promise to cherish it gently hand wash it, dry it in the shade love it
i know it'll love me back too.
I got one foot out the door, I don’t wanna hear ‘bout him no more
I’ll make a long story short,
Time to make up your mind girl
No more back and forth, I don’t wanna hear ‘bout him no more
If I’m not what you want, I don’t wanna hear no more
'_10:46 pm*_ -August 02, 2008;
legendary item soulbound_*
Twenty-five all of these mixed emotions Tangled up in pure confusion It's hard to let go of the past, But it seems easier as time is movin Well, you said he makes you laugh And he makes you happy He sees you smilin back It is everlasting
So, he's tailor made for you With stunning golden hues And one sweet tone to soothe, Your persistent beating heart It's just a start And I have seen you everyday You've never been like this before It's tailor made
'_6:58 pm*_ -July 28, 2008;
lamb chop waiting_*
Don't feel sad or anything, this is precisely the reason why you went away. So be glad everytime you see them because you're not suppose to hurt anymore. You're not suppose to hurt. Isn't this what you wanted for him?
She was never really anything important. Just always there but never really there. She tried her best to make him smile but he wouldn't. There was simply nothing she could do but leave and hope he finds someone else to make him happy. Someone to make him smile on the inside.
Look over the river! There lies daisies and the setting sun. You should rest now, hope to find new love.
You won't miss me. You have a high hit rating and I, a low dodge rating.
'_8:52 pm*_ -July 21, 2008;
does it last._*
Everyone said they looked like a perfect pair, that they were meant for each
other. It's just too bad things didn't work out, things didn't turn out to be as
perfect as they would be. She was just so right for him, everyone could tell.
They looked really happy together, but not anymore.
She stood on the stage, and he sat in the crowd. His eyes were on her,
sensitive to her every movement. Her hair was probably the most beautiful
feature to him. Maybe one day she'll say yes. Maybe one day they would smile
happily together like they used to.
A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita's all I need
A little bit of Tina's what I see
A little bit of Sandra in the sun
A little bit of Mary all night long
A little bit of Jessica here I am
A little bit of you makes me your man
______
i wore jeans size fourty,
and vests so heavy;
we sat by with
singing frowns and clenched brows,
yesterday, bursting veins and raining smiles,
i believe really?
'_8:35 pm*_ -July 17, 2008;
gawd i wish i took piano lessons_*
i'm in love with the piano. shit.
'_7:55 pm*_ -July 17, 2008;
stopping potential on high_*
It's starting to get a little out of hand. Someone lend me yours?
I'm sorry if i caused anyone misery, unhappiness or any frustration. You can
put the blame of it if it accounts for anything productive.
I feel like a swirly lollipop now but I could probably just get on fine
alone.
What's the point of caring if the other person doesn't know. Let her
know.
If you love me
Won't you let me know?
So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?
__
"There may be quite a few difficult decisions for you to have to
consider at this time. Much of your confusion may be due to the number of
intriguing opportunities that you feel are currently available to you. Just
remember to take your time and don't allow yourself to be rushed into any
decisions. And try to remember to listen to your own intuition at this time.
Things could be getting a little intense with a partner or mate today, and
you could end up having to face a few serious issues when it comes to your most
important relationships right now. Just realize that you’re bound to have to
make up your mind about a few things before long"
Not that I want to believe in this but just for some thought.
'_9:08 pm*_ -July 16, 2008;
new shirts?_*
This is going to be a very erratic, random, blah post because i totally don't
know what to write about. My mind's this washing machine with thoughts all
tangled up, wet and messy.
I'm.. very unsure of what the future holds now. i mean, i guess it is so with
everyone else. Things used to be normal, stable but there have been recent
changes and i'm getting pretty scared. I just want something stable, secure..
something that won't falter through times. GAH, I REALLY HATE times of change
but change is the only constant ): Prelims are coming in 5 weeks then A
LEVELS.
if anyone wants to know, my mid years results are USSEC. nothing fantastic.
in fact, it's disgusting. okay if i can get D for chinese, i HAVE to get higher
for the rest. my chinese CANNOT own the other subjects. NO WAY.
Ah crap, im in this terrible mess now. The more i think the more tangled up i
get. Gah, life just has to beat the life out of me. I'm hanging on somehow.
And you You will be alone Alone with all your secrets And regrets
Are you still going to just sit there and wait? Don't you see the people around you pairing up and moving on with their lives? Do you honestly want to be alone, hating the world for your miseries? When will you ever wake up, take up the courage to start making decisions for yourself. Don't blame others around you. If you want things to go your way, you have to speak up. I'm not a mind-reader. There ain't much time left, maybe none already.
'_9:41 pm*_ -July 08, 2008;
PTM gg_*
"Don't compare with those who did worse than you. Instead, compare with those who do better than you." It can be viewed positively or well, negatively. Positive - there's always a driving force to do better. Negative - you'll never be the best, you'll never achieve just enough, you then of course, can never be satisfied with whatever good or poor results.
'_9:12 pm*_ -July 02, 2008;
meaning in no meaning_*
i finally found the meaning of birthdays - they have no meaning and no
significance.
'_11:32 pm*_ -June 25, 2008;
Mr Lonely_*
just so happen that i left my itunes on random. and just so happen that all the songs played were emo-breakup-/wrist songs. goes well with the mood i guess.
'_11:20 pm*_ -June 25, 2008;
at least, there was once upon a time_*
If you can have regrets, so can I. You'll never let go of it, you know that
full well. Don't lie to me. I'll never be the one, so don't keep my hopes up.
It's all different now, the scent, the smile. I should be on my way now, I'm
already late. I'll be off now.
And when you get on that plane, you know it's really over. Stop holding on if
you're not going to do anything.
And how am I supposed to tell you how I feel?
I need oxygen
Oh baby, if I was your lady
I would make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, I will be your lady
I am going crazy for you
I have a phobia - of love.
Why does everything have to be so complicated.
'_6:05 pm*_ -June 12, 2008;
fake smiles and empty words_*
it's pretty much undeniable. it's just one of those things i cannot change.
i'd try my best not to think about it, to give myself every other reason just to
justify. perhaps even make myself do something else just so i could feel better,
less guilty of such thoughts or feelings. perhaps this was all just another push
factor for me to continue. i never knew such a repulsive force could
exist.
i was never really like this was i?
On this half lit day
With your crown beneath your wing
Every word just echoes
And the empty world sings
Where have you gone my feather light heart?
I never imagined I could leave.
In the glistening
Of the lost and open sky
Tiny piece of you sits
Simple wish waits for reply
Where have you gone my feather light heart?
You mustn't forget what love can see.
I'd say don't lie to me, then again, i might say lie to me if you must. Don't
hope for anything. Slowly i see my days less worth living. Life used to be full
of joy and love, but not anymore.
'_1:49 am*_ -June 12, 2008;
none of you_*
don't bother, don't think, don't expect.
harder than it really is.
'_11:09 pm*_ -June 08, 2008;
2 fishes and 1 loaf of bread_*
I've had a songbird for the past few years. It had feathers soft like cotton and
eyes that gaze gently at you. It was something always there but never a major
thought. It'll overlook me as i went about my chores. In the hours of light, i
would feed it from my hands and in the nights, i would think about it's charm.
There's only one thing about it I don't understand, that is it doesn't
sing.
I could tell quite certainly it loved me much. But it chose to remain quiet,
to lay low, to not let me know. Why won't my songbird sing? It's been years
since i felt you warmth and joy.
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
The one thing I need to master is to let go and move on.
And then, there's you - pink dragonfly. Quick to stay still on a arched leaf
while you move your beady eyes around, scanning through thoughts and hints. In
the blink of an eye, you're gone. Busy whizzing around me as if I was a small
innocent girl. You left behind your scent dear one, you left behind joy.
I would if i could. But it's simply too complicated for me alone to handle or
even for me to trust anyone to confide in. I love my quilt very much and I don't
wish to give it away. I don't want to let go but logic tells me to. Even if I
held on, there's no commitment, no security. There's nothing for me to hold on
to except you.
Learning to let go is terribly hard. Perhaps I don't need my songbird anymore
since it doesn't sing anyway.
Don't come flying back to me.
'_6:15 pm*_ -May 27, 2008;
hurry, i can't hold for longer_*
can you please faster come
'_1:05 pm*_ -May 24, 2008;
strong in Him_*
God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference
'_11:07 pm*_ -May 20, 2008;
im not it but that's okay_*
is it possible to love two people whole heartedly at once?
there can only be one.
(laptop crashed, /afk)
'_10:11 pm*_ -May 15, 2008;
what luck_*
Today was probably the worst day of the week or month of maybe year. Too many
bad things happened, too much for the normal comfort level. Let's start from
the morning.
1. quarreled (okay fine that's normal)
2. got blamed for something that's not my fault
3. met tanjs and was accused of skipping math lesson on tuesday, was scheduled for detention (i didnt, it was
someone else)
4. meeting after pe (not that bad it's what happened after this)
5. rushed off halfway because i had tuition
6. went to council room to take my bag, room censor thing was locked. couldnt
jam open the window. luckily daryl came.
7. on my way out realised i forgot my jacket which had my ezlink card and home gate key inside
8. called someone for coins, no answer (in the state of panic i didnt think of
changing for coins)
9. decided to borrow key to unlock class. got scolded by aunty for always
borrowing key (wth, it's my first time)
10. ran to class and wow, the gate on the staircase on the way to class was
locked. i mean it's NEVER locked. WHY TODAY? and exactly THAT time? luckily
fiona was on the other side and she helped me.
11. ran back to office to return key, got scolded again by aunty
12. late for tuition
13. forgot to bring home physics notes to study for SPA (the most insane section
of SPA)
wow the list ends at no. 13. how ominous.
okay fine, i should at least be happy that i did manage to somehow get out of
some the unusual situations. still, i hope the day ends good or something.
midyears next thurs. oh joy.
it's starting to annoy a little. you resemble the b2 people whom i detest.
it's weird, i smell smoke at random times, like 3-5 times a day in school and
at home. think there's something wrong with my nose or something. i get raped by
mosquitoes every night.
'_9:22 pm*_ -May 12, 2008;
screw it_*
i have a low self esteem. please dont't make it any worse.
seriously damn demoralized and feeling like crap. i just wished someone could
come tell me something that'd make me feel better. then again, everyone's got
their own problems why would they care about mine.
i've started to lose hope on trying to eat more or spend any effort trying to
gain weight.. it just seems so worthless and futile. people are still coming to
me and accusing me of trying to be skinny. it just sucks to try your best and
then someone comes along to tell you otherwise. it's like you studied so hard
for your test, you failed and the teacher accuses you of being lazy and that you
didnt put in any effort. You could try to persevere on for a while more with the
mentality, "i'll prove her wrong but in the end", you just lose steam.
Why would you believe in yourself when others around you dont? it's not that i
don't have a fighting spirit. even spirits are driven by some sort of goal or
something else to continue. my spirit just died out.
all i hear is why i'm so fragile, why i get cold so easily why i'm so skinny
why I DONT WANT TO EAT MORE why this why that. i'm just damn sick of all these
comments and fine since i'm like that i'll just be like that. just too bad i get
hurt so easily. don't like it? then go away.
i don't hear other people tell me what i'm good at or what i should be happy
about myself. all i hear are just negative things so naturally i'll just a
pessimist. yeah you could argue that ultimately my life is in my hands and not
in others. See, the world doesn't just involve me and me alone. It involves a
whole lot of other people and me, being a normal social being, am influenced by
others. Please don't say that girls are weak, we are just social beings like
normal human beings, maybe just a little more social.
if only people encouraged, cared and listened more, suicide rates would
decrease.
i've given up hope.
'_10:18 pm*_ -May 08, 2008;
"i dunno"^n_*
haha don't think im always emo and stuff. it just so happen that when im
upset i blog so it seems like im perpetually unhappy. DONT GET THE WRONG IDEA
OKAY? because cherie can get really happy too (: just that i dont usually blog
at my highest moments. (like now)
then again, i get upset quite fast.
i got raped by mosquitoes last night. I HATE YOU INSECTS. !! i only
hate cockroaches when they fly.
2 weeks to midyears.
'_8:50 pm*_ -May 07, 2008;
stop it, stop it, stop it_*
This past week has been a total mess. I don't know what's real anymore. Stop
doing this to me. Stop tormenting me.
I can try to appear all strong, try my best to be unbeatable but deep down, I
can be most fragile thing you've ever seen. Please don't do this to me.
Make this all go away.
'_10:02 pm*_ -May 06, 2008;
safey net that's right_*
i'm convinced more than ever that no one really cares. yea you could say im
being immature and emo but seriously, i turned off my phone for the whole
day and when i turned it back on, there was only one single message. i'm not
going to bother going on msn anymore or turning my phone. i might as well just
leave my phone at home. i'm certain of who really cares now.
i'm sorry for getting pissed at you today but i seriously didnt think i
was in the wrong. you lacked communication skills and fail to realise the light
heartedness of the conversation. i'm not going to sit there and let you abuse me
with your words. i wished you could think more before you talk. seriously, think
before you say anything because once it comes out, you cant take it back.
busy, lack of time and a multitude of things to do. we can go around
achieving all that we have to, but at what expense? Are relationships not more
important that all the work that we have to do? That's the problem with workaholics,
they work so much well, just forgo everything else that's pleasant. Then they
come to blame the people around them for causing their misery. If they only took
time to actually appreciate the people around them, and even bother to maintain
a good relationships, then maybe life wouldn't suck so bad. Oh of course,
they're workaholics, they don't have time to waste.
I'm beginning to hate my life and the people around me. I know for sure who
really cares because they stick by me when i'm up and when i'm down. Even when
they're equally busy, they even bother to send a sms asking how i am. These are
the friends I should really hold on to. These are the people who actually make
me feel wanted. These are the people my world revolves around.
I'm not going to sit around and let myself be taken for granted. I'm
convinced my other friends care for me more than you.
I can stand on my own two feet. If you don't appreciate what i do for you,
then forget it. I was just being silly to actually offer my time. I couldn't
blame you, i did it on my own accord. And it sucks to feel used and taken for
granted and oh, i'm to blame. I learnt alot from you or rather learning. Just
don't care and don't bother.
If you can't even love yourself, don't bother loving others. Same goes to me.
'_8:34 pm*_ -May 05, 2008;
stop it already_*
My love is strong
But not strong enough
I'll give you all I have, it wouldn't matter that much
So instead of promises
I'll just be honest
'Cause I won't always be around
And I know my love could let you down...
So
Wish that I could read your mind
Understand what you hide in your heart
Then maybe, baby, I could help you see how loved you are
____________________________________
molding inside the washing machine.
'_11:07 pm*_ -May 02, 2008;
low_*
pull, grab, squeeze, frustration. small.
'_9:55 pm*_ -April 24, 2008;
in the end_*
i can't expect anything and i shouldn't be. it's hard i know but i will keep
reminding myself. it gets tiring but i guess i have to. just tell myself, no
cherie no, it's okay, youre not hurting, be happy because that is what other
wants you to be. just try to be happy for the sake of others, so they dont have
to worry or what.
reminders, that's what i need. i need them all day, all the time, every
second. there's so much to remind myself of, and of course particularly of a
certain topic/subject. i dont know how long i can keep this up but so far so
good. so far, it's been working though it's rather tiring. then again, when i
stop reminding myself, i get upset.
i think im starting to brainwash myself instead of reminding myself. i'm just
manipulating my own feelings, thoughts just so i wont get upset so easily over
seemingly stupid things. actually these things mean alot to me but just that,
i've brainwashed myself to thinking well they're just stupid things that arent
worth caring about.
and soon, there isnt much to care about.
all the love around is fake, because i made it fake.
no one to blame, just me.
'_8:58 pm*_ -April 21, 2008;
57|2355_*
it's seriously very frustrating and annoying when people accuse me of
"trying to be skinny". i'd like to clarify things. firstly, i'm not
happy im skinny. secondly, i am NOT forcing myself not to eat or vomit out food
or whatsoever. thirdly, i eat and exercise regularly..
on a side note, i eat more than three meals a day. There's breakfast, recess,
lunch, dinner and of course canteen breaks during school hours. i'm trying my
best to eat as much an possible and try to get back some meat/fats/muscle. I AM
TRYING MY BEST ALREADY SO STOP ACCUSING ME OF TRYING TO BE SKINNY BECAUSE IM NOT
HAPPY THE WAY I AM NOW. the more you accuse me, the more stress i become and the
skinner i am. i swear that's true (that stress is the cause).
if you want to help, dont stress me out.
thankyouverymuch
(p.s. if anyone could give me advice on how to put on more weight, please
tell me. i'd even drink protein shakes)
'_3:39 am*_ -April 19, 2008;
maybe i still do_*
And love is blind and that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips and held your hand
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
And as you move on, remember me
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile
I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the father of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts but now we're fine
And I loved you, I swear that's true
'_11:31 pm*_ -April 18, 2008;
we'll grow up one day_*
it's just terrible to see how nicely your flower starts to grow and at the
end of two years, you see it wither away. you wonder why, what did you do wrong,
or was it the sun's fault or anything else. Why did something so beautiful had
to die? Everything withers away eventually anyway, just a matter of time.
I'm frustrated at how the world is now. I'm annoyed at how life induces new
situations just to make life suck even more. How two people who loved each other
had to end up this way. How they have to force themselves to make decisions, undeniably
hurtful ones, and aggravate the situation. Maybe 50 years down the road i'll
look back at our lives and go "silly me". I'm just annoyed when
someone wants something, it's possible to to get it but no, no, life has to come
and change the situation so you make yourself not want it, you force yourself
that you cant or you shouldn't. And there is the pain and hurt that goes along.
Sometimes the hardest thing and right thing are the same.
Life goes on. We all have to experience this sometime (but now when it's my
As year?). At least im not losing my husband. haha.
I can stand on my own. I can. I must.
'_12:08 pm*_ -April 17, 2008;
i'd really like to vanish now. wtb flash powder_*
some emo quotes from wow that me and an old friend came up with:
i wish i was a rogue so i could vanish
i wish i was a rogue so nobody would see me. i wish i was a priest so i could fade away
i wish i was a mage so i could blink away
i wish i was a mage so i could teleport away i wish i was a hunter so i could at least feign death
i wish i was a druid so i could change to a crow and fly away
i wish i was a warrior, just to appear strong
i wish i was a paladin so i could be invulnerable
we didnt know any for warlocks and shammys.
'_2:17 am*_ -April 17, 2008;
a fool for so long_*
my tears run down like razor blades
and I know I'm not the one to blame
its you
or is it me?
and all the words we never say
come out and now we're all ashamed
and there's no sense in playing games
when you've done all you can do
but now it's over
it's over
why is it over?
we had the chance to make it
now it's over
it's over
I'll lose myself in all these fights
I'll lost my sense or wrong and right
I cry, I cry
shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just want to crawl into my bed
and throw away the life I've led
it's for real this time. really. and thanks for being the best
friend i ever had. sorry to leave when you're in such a bad state but i really
just cant.. anymore.. maybe we'll cross paths someday again. till then,
bye.
i should have known what to do all along than to drag on, hope. what a fool
i've been.
'_10:33 pm*_ -April 15, 2008;
i wish i was an atomic bomb and dropped into hell_*
there isnt anyone who will accept me for who i am. doesn't matter anyway
i hope to find you faster because life's a fucking bitch and i need
someone to help pull me through
_______
i want a keyboard so i can be happy when i learn to play new songs. it sucks
to have to rip the videos to my ipod so i can practice in school. playing the
piano and guitar makes me happy although im not musically inclined.
'_10:51 pm*_ -April 13, 2008;
doesnt exist anymore_*
what are you creature,
let go.
love.
'_10:33 pm*_ -March 24, 2008;
soon enough_*
they look so happy together
'_12:03 am*_ -March 23, 2008;
sorry_*
it's not that i don't appreciate your help, i really do. i know you want the
best for me, you want me to be happy and not have any regrets. please understand
this time is when you most probably feel rejected by me or what. look, i dont. i
know you just want to help me, sort things out and help me make the best out of
whatever life i have.
i know the cliche stuff like "im already 18 just let me live my own life
and make my own decisions." it's true to a certain extend but i still need
you. please let me figure things out for myself. i accept your suggestions and
whatever you say to me, i dont just ignore it you know. im already terribly
vexed and confused. the last thing i want is another idea to grapple with.
you dont want me to learn the hard way, waste the prime years of my life and
then later regret. you want to be there for me when times are bad and stuff. i
really understand. it's your obligation and what you want also. please
understand that i am really growing up and that i do need to learn some things
for myself. i am not rejecting you. i still want you by my side.
i shall be frank. i just want my own space to think through stuff. i know
already took alot of time but please let me be. im already very confused with
alot of things and i dont want you to come make me even more confused. it's true
to a certain extent that you cant understand me because you're not me. not
saying that you dont understand me at all, after all im the closest to you. i
appreciate your inputs and suggestions and i take them into consideration too.
thank you for being such a great
mum
and sorry.
'_9:10 pm*_ -March 19, 2008;
while you still can_*
Sweet little words made for silence Not talk Young heart for love Not
heartache Dark hair for catching the wind Not to veil the sight of a cold
world
Kiss while your lips are still red While he's still
silent Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled hold another hand
while the hand's still without a tool Drown into eyes while they're still
blind Love while the night still hides the withering dawn
First day of
love never comes back A passionate hour's never a wasted one The violin,
the poet's hand Every thawing heart plays your theme with care
Kiss
while your lips are still red While he's still silent Rest while bosom is
still untouched, unveiled hold another hand while the hand's still without a
tool Drown into eyes while they're still blind Love while the night still
hides the withering dawn
'_11:36 pm*_ -March 17, 2008;
my world ends soon_*
this hurts so fucking much it drives me insane. it gives me new courage i've
never had before, courage to do unthinking acts. it doesn't just hurt
emotionally, it hurts physically as well. i've lost my soul, my drive to live,
smile or to be happy. words alone can't explain how much this fucking hurts. i
don't know how i'm going to continue the days ahead. i don't think this change
is for the better. i dont think any change is for the better. i don't see myself
happier in the days to come. gg
why do i have to want someone stable. why do i have to want him. can
anyone tell me how to change a want.
i want to be like a spoilt brat, demanding my way to get things that i want.
i'll just have to convince myself that you've changed and you're not the guy
i used to like. you want to find more things now; explore and you wont settle
for less. i don't know you anymore. you're not the innocent shy guy i used to
like. you're different now.
fuck i dont want to lose you.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You're finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain
biting my lips, telling myself i can do this.
fuck what's happening. im losing everything. i dont even care if i swear
anymore. i dont know who i've become.
my tears would fill the oceans for you.
could someone with a big nice strong body car kindly please knock me on the
road so i would forget everything. oh also please make sure you aim for my head,
this is vital. this pain is too much to bear alone.
who the hell said it was better to have loved and lost than to never have
loved at all?
'_8:40 pm*_ -March 17, 2008;
on my own_*
this feeling sucks.
wow just helps me pass the time easier.
pretty much.
'_2.12am*_ -March 15, 2008;
short cut please_*
My days can never be perfect. I don't think anyone's' days can be perfect as
well. It's funny how everything is hanging in the air now. It's funny how
irrational I can be. Nah, it's impossible. I don't have the guts or the balls to
do that. Nothing dramatic of that sort. I'm somewhat in a position between the
layer of water and oil, neither here nor there. Just sucking life up as it goes
along, accepting the normal emotional swings. I mean what else can I expect,
life just goes on and it isn't going to get any better. I probably have one
thing or two to celebrate about and hold on to. Then again, probably not, it
might just go any moment. Nothing stays and I hate this phase of life.
I come to a conclusion that I hate change. I want something stable. I like
security. I want something or someone I can depend on. Someone who will not
scamper off into new excitements. Someone who won't leave me in the lurch and
maybe come back later saying, "I still love and care for you". It's
probably time I make a stand and decide something for myself. The most stable
thing I can find is well, myself. It's probably best I stay alone. I can give
myself all the stability I want.
I want to turn the clock faster. Then again, when I'm an adult knowing who's
my life partner, I'd probably go, "If only I could turn back the clock and
explore more. I could probably find a better guy and end up happier." Thing
is, we are never satisfied with what we have. We keep searching for more,
something else better. We'll never be contented, we'll never be happy. So much
for stability.
As I've said, life goes on. Doesn't matter if I hurt anymore, I mean, it's
life right? I got to live it.
Remedy? Fake everything. Fake the smiles, the jumps, the "I'm
okay"s. Just fake it. It works.
Sometimes I wonder, why not take the short cut.
Cover up with make up in the mirror
Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you.
Do you feel like a man
When you push her around?
Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
I will be standing at the door, ready to welcome you home. I don't know when
fate will take me away though.
'_1:52 am*_ -March 13, 2008;
deadend_*
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
the previous entry holds true.
'_12:58 am*_ -March 05, 2008;
revolution_*
You left me hanging from a thread
We once were from together
I lick my wounds but I can
Never see them getting better
Something’s got to change
Things cannot stay the same
You, oh, the adorable you make the sun shine so tenderly upon the wheat
fields, embracing each stalk with your special touch . While the sparrows tease
each other in the sweet spring air, you chuckle, leaving the daises dancing in rhythm
to your drug laughter.
Then the same you tears the picture apart, relentlessly ripping the fragile
petals from the daises. The sparrows scatter into the darkness as jealous clouds
gloom overhead and the ignorant dagger wind ravages the innocent wheat fields.
The cycle repeats.
'_9:39 pm*_ -March 03, 2008;
coming soon_*
You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know
Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
'_23:57*_ -2008-03-02;
i told you so_*
curses, curses, curses
that's all i leave for you
hatred, hatred, hatred
that's all i gained from you
you wanted to know so badly
i told you no
why
this is why
i cant believe you even thought of this
why not, my mind runs wild like the wind
fine then
fine
i told you what you wanted to know
and it never turns out good
never
ever
once bitten twice shy
curses, curses, curses
that's all i leave for you
hatred, hatred, hatred
that's all i gained from you
'_01:07*_ -2008-03-02;
toyed, as always_*
i'm not going to give a fuck anymore.
i promise, there will be no one there when you turn around.
soon.
cherie;_17; cjc;
2T27; debates; student
council;
Loves__
God, family, Polar Bear, my friends, gaming, sports, to be loved
Go
away__ tears, losing those i hold dear, being alone, Satan
